Monday, 20 May 2013

A brief history of David Warner Tweets

So you've all read the twitter exchange between David Warner and Malcolm Conn. You've read the tweets about the tweets, the interview about the tweets, the tweets about the interview about the tweets and the articles about the tweets about the interview about the tweets. The key point I took away from the whole saga was that Dave Warner calls people "champ" way too often. Only shit blokes do that, Dave. Are you a shit bloke?

If you're like me, none of it really came as any surprise because David Warner has been Australian cricket's premier tweeter for the majority of the past year. If there were ICC rankings for tweeting, David Warner would finally be world class at something. His account is a completely unguarded look into the shallow recesses of his mind, one "bahahaha" and "lol" at a time.

In this spirit, I present to you my favourite Warner tweets of the last six months. Over to you, Dave:


One of my favourite parts pf checking in on the Dave Warner twitter world is his willingness to put himself out there with an unsolicited tweet to a celeb. They're usually misspelled and rarely get a reply, which makes them all the more brilliant.




If I have learnt anything from Twitter (and I doubt I have learnt very much at all), it's that Dave Warner hates two things intensely; haters and whingers.  Please note, this ceases to apply when Dave Warner wants to whinge about something, like Indian cricketers or News Ltd journalists not pulling out their pom poms and joining the IPL cheer squad.




Dave Warner tweets some genuinely awesome photos like this one of Philthy Hughes and everyone's embarrassing little brother, Steve Smith. This is perhaps his greatest contribution to Australian cricket so far.




IPL shill and IPL star agree on merits of IPL in cricket news shocker! I think we all know the answer to Dave's "common phrase" conundrum.




There is a 97% chance that if Dave Warner took a woman on a dinner date, it would to be a restaurant that specialised in, or at least offered Parma's. The "so yummy" addendum had me worried he was heading into Warnie/13 year-old girl voice territory. He's recovered pretty well since, obviously.




Despite its significant downsides, social media has also spawned on of the great behavioural trends of the 21st century; the Humblebrag. This is when a bragger disguises a braggy statement under a cloak of very unconvincing self-depreciation. Old mate Davey gives it his best shot below. Lazy indeed.




This is what Twitter is all about. If I was sitting on a bus next to Agit Agarker (unlikely as that may be) I don't think I'd be able to resist taking a quick Agit-selfie. All I need is audio transcripts of their conversations. What do Agit and Dave natter away about on the bus? How much they hate Indian cricket fans? Making ducks? Quantum physics?




Ooh, awkward. Only a day after saying Ajit Agarker is his "everyday" bus buddy, Dave's gone skulking off to the shoulder of Morne Morkel, literally. Is that a blanket over Morne's shoulder? Surely he's not allowing Davey to sleep on his shoulder? There is a small list of international batsmen who I would allow to sleep on my shoulder on a bus ride and I'm sorry Dave, but you don't make the cut. Go and buy one of the hideous neck pillows like all the other plebs.




It's the thought that counts.




Dave Warner's replies to fans and random punters are actually pretty brilliant. He's unflinchingly honest and unguarded in his responses which is pretty rare and almost admirable. Also, if you are a reality TV show producer and don't turn the scenario below into a hit show, I'm afraid you are doing an awful job. Just even thinking of Dave Warner and 40 Japanese tourists together makes me happy. Get this to happen, please.




Cool story bro. Heading dangerously close to Warnie territory again here. He's about two tweets away from asking the world which rom-com he should watch tonight. LOL.




Hall of fame tweet. When I saw that ridiculously dumb Hugh Jackman robot movie "Real Steel", I wondered who the target market was. 12 year old boys? Head trauma victims? I must admit that "Australian opening batsmen" didn't cross my mind. As always with a "Dave tweets at celebs" entry, it received no reply. Genius.




It's also fair to say that if you didn't swing at every second ball of a Test match like a minor league baseballer, a bit of "luck" might start coming your way. Positive spin: this tells us that Dave Warner is so blindly confident in his own ability that he genuinely believes that bad luck is his only hindrance to success. 




Firstly Dave, it's "lots". Secondly, that is the least convincing lie you have ever told. I'm just imagining an Indian fan running up to Dave, the great man shaping to sign an autograph or pose for a photo, before the breathless kid says, "oh no Mr Warner, I don't want any of that, I am just desperate to find out when your app will be released!"




Virender, no-one wants to watch Dave Warner pp, now or ever. Also the last two words of your tweet are creepy, mate.




Dave Warner in a moment of contemplation: "can't believe LC didn't get back to me. I'm such a big fan of The Hills, I can't see why she wouldn't."




Nobody likes a brown nose, Dave.




I'm pretty sure David Warner only started a twitter account so that he could abuse Indian cricket fans. This is also the pot calling the kettle black if ever I have seen it. Let's be honest Dave, English is probably Sunit's second language, at a minimum. What's your excuse?




Haters and whingers feeling the Warner wrath again. Another day, another hater put to the sword.




I wanna like you Dave, you just won't let me. 




How to curry sympathy from vitriolic fans about your poor performance in India: 101.




"Warner, who has previously stated his aspirations for the Test captaincy..."




The brevity of Hemingway coupled with the practicality of a man who has realised that the time is different in other countries. Seriously, did you even know that? Blew my mind the first time I went overseas.




The fact that Davey and Deano appear to be mates is about as surprising as Mitchell Johnson legside wide.




Cool. Story. Bro. 




Just exceptional stupidity. Outstanding. This is why I can't get enough of our mate Davey on twitter He delivers brilliance like this on a regular basis. Best show in town.




This got no response. Not the first or last time Davey will be burnt by Dale Steyn. He should have just replied. "I will mentally and physically annihilate you for your entire career. LOL" That would have been ace. 




Yeah, let's have a pity party for the guy earning a couple of million a year to play cricket. Would have been better to play in the 70s Dave, you got heaps of time off. I mean, you had to spend it selling insurance or being a brickie's labourer, but it really took your mind off cricket for once.




Genuine self-depreciation. Good form. More of this from our cricketers, please.




Breaking News: Dave Warner picks up newspaper from the wrong end.





I actually like this. It shows that Dave Warner is just as much of a geeky cricket loser as the rest of us when he gets a new bat. I mean, the name "Kaboom" is kind of filth, but I'll let that slide in this instance.




Another good thing about Twitter is that when sports people get on, it's the first time in their life that the majority of people they are surrounded by are more likely to tell them that they're completely shit than tell them they're the greatest person in the world. Most of those people are certifiable nutcases, for sure, but it probably provides a small dose of perspective every now and then.




Oh, don't tease us. Has anyone been to his site? I refused to bow to this shameless click-bait. I imagine it's just pictures of sports cars and chicks in bikinis with a few YouTube clips of Davey hitting big sixes?




Gotta be looking your best for when you pick up the "Best strike rate in international cricket for a player averaging less than 35" award. I maintain that Dave Warner would become a far more sympathetic public figure if he turned up to functions like this wearing one of those tuxedo t-shirts.




This is actually quite sweet. I picture Dave Warner as a guy who would pull up his car by a park if there was a game of kids cricket going on. He'd never relinquish the bat, but the kids would love it.




There is a money-bag shaped hole in the heart of every IPL cricketer now that Tony has gone to the great memorabilia factory in the sky. 




You're going to eat Michael Clarke? I thought only Mark Cosgrove made threats like that.




Air hockey table and Dave Warner "Powerhouse" limited edition print just outside the frame of this shot.




Outstanding work. Social media users who talk about what they just cooked need to be called out, even if they are Australia's best ODI bowler.




Can we make sure Dave Warner is never put in any position of responsibility in the sports world? I mean, anything above what he chooses to eat for lunch needs to be outsourced to someone responsible.




Oh you!




"Have a cry" is the ultimate comeback. It should be used in the Presidential debate more often.




I guess if anything is to come out of the Warner v Craddock/Conn saga, it is that CA will force Dave Warner to be more professional and polished in his use of social media, just like they are. Geniuses, one and all.









35 comments:

  1. I don't know what is sadder:
    David Warner's tweets or the time you spent writing this entire blog bashing his tweets.

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    1. That is a no-contest. I am definitely way sadder.

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    2. I concur. His tweets are so poorly spelt it would have taken hours to decipher the SS level coding he appears to use.

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    3. Have a cry!

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    4. Dave? Is that you?

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    5. @anonymous#1 The past tense of spell is spelled. Spelt is a type of grain.

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    6. Wrong....spelt is either the grain, or the past participle of spell....only Americans and other people who can't use English correctly use "spelled".

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  2. Everyone's different aren't they. I think I like Davey Warner

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    1. They are indeed. I hope people picked up on the hints of affection in this piece. I genuinely enjoy his tweeting.

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  3. Someone has too much spare time on their hands if you ask me. Well done Rusty (sidebysidepies)

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    Replies
    1. The problem is more spending time I don't have reading Dave Warner tweets!

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  4. This was utterly brilliant. Thank you!

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  5. Kudos to you.

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  6. It would be a shame if players were banned from tweeting. However the reluctance of Cricket Australia to promote Warner to positions of responsibility in the side - even when it would seem natural eg T20 captaincy - now seems a lot more justified.

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    1. I've said on more than one occasion that I think we should have a free market on player opinions. It corrects itself because big mouths are soon exposed. I'm all for freedom of expression for sports people, particularly in Australia where they are not generally allowed to be anything other than boring. The culture of "media training" has turned them all into robots. You can't really blame them for keeping their actual thoughts private in such a censorious environment.

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    2. Imagine the following players on twitter back in the day... Rodney Hogg, Bill O'Reilly, Ian Callen, Neil Harvey, Mick Malone, Trevor Chappell, Keith Miller... bliss.

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  7. What's surprising about him is that his being a shit bloke doesn't really have any onfield excellence to redeem it. Make big scores at important times and for all your vulgar, boorish sense of self-entitlement, you're only an Australian Story away from rehabilitation. But DW seems like a shit bloke and a patchy performer, a kind of Mark Waugh 2.0.

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    Replies
    1. I think we'd settle for a Mark Waugh-level output from him. Time will tell if he gets there.

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  8. Can't help wondering what he'd do at NASA, came up with a few possibilities...

    a) Senior Rocket Scientist
    b) Mars Mission Planner
    c) Chimp

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    1. His bats are basically something you would see in space, I suppose.

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  9. However long this took you to compile, it's worth every second. Genius.
    Although I'm surprised he doesn't seem to "smash" chicken dinners like a lot of other cricketers.

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    1. He'd "smash" it, he'd "get around it" and then he'd probably order another and smash that too. Fond of the smash, old Davey.

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  10. He's a bit of a thicko with seemingly no self-awareness, but I'd miss him if he wasn't around. Also hope they don't ban him from Twinters before the England fans get a taste for baiting him

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    1. The outcome of the disciplinary hearing seems to suggest that Warner only regrets using bad language (interpret that how you will), so I guess he's saying that he's going to continue tweeting. Good news!

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  11. Brian Close - The hardest man that ever lived23 May 2013 07:51

    I'm glad you compiled this because it's the funniest thing I've read in a while. Good work sir.

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  12. Brian, I loved the name of you autobiography, 'I Don't Bruise Easily'. What do you think Warner's will be called? I'm going with, 'I'm gonna hit you for six, bahaha: the Dave Warner story.'

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    1. Russ, the possibilities are endless, but surely it would be some atrocious-pun-of-a-title.
      I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but perhaps a flavour:

      You've been Warned: The Dave Warner LOL Experience

      Warner Brothers: The Dave Warner and Michael Clark Best Buddies Tour Diary

      Warner Out: Fun stats and Averages for the Ages with Dave Warner

      Or more topically given this great article you've put together:
      Warn Out: Tales from Dave Warner's Twitter client keypad.

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    2. You're right, Ben. Warner needs to carry on the great Australian tradition established by his forefathers. My favorite: Ian Redpath's "Always Reddy". Contains a shot of Redders and Tom Vievers from the 60s rocking an early incarnation of the Mahatma Cote garb.

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  13. Easily the best thing I have ever read. Every second of time you spent putting this together was worth it. But gee you must have had to trawl through some utter crap. David Warner putting the twit in Twitter since... we don't care when.

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  14. He's just a good ole suburban yobbo.good to see a brasher with no PR team monitoring his every word.like the marshes and Walters from yesteryear

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  15. A classic and refreshing read!

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  16. I've been out of the country for a while, but this article highlights why I'm so proud to be an Aussie. The ability to take the piss out of your fellow countrymen should be a focal point of all citizenship requirements. Amusing tweets from D.Warner? Definitely. Leadership material? Sadly, no. But at least he’s being himself, and I for one hope he does well in the Ashes and tweets accordingly, misspellings and all!

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  17. You should have Warner'd me about what I was about to read. The guy is a genius. I only allow myself to follow 500 people so I just got rid of David Dimbleby to make way for Warner.

    Thank you.

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